It's not too much to ask for is it?

J beat me to the punch on her blog for this one, but last night we were checking out some of the crazy demands of musicians make in their "riders" on the Smoking Gun. Prince's include the request that "All items in the dressing room must be covered by clear plastic wrap until uncovered by main artist. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY." Pavarotti's says that "There must be no distinct smells anywhere near the Artist." Seriously? I also like people like Jennifer Lopez who specify what cannot be in the room: "NO TOMATO, APPLE, GRAPE JUICE." Like if there's a jug of apple juice, J-Lo can't just bypass it and go for the bottled water?

Anyhoo, here are some of my very own demands...

"Hospitality" Items:

• Private hot tub and/or whirlpool must be made available to Artist at all times.
• Oversized couch- absolutely no leather, and must have throw pillows. Pilows must be stuffed with down- no artificial fillers, please.
• Computer with high-speed internet access. (No MAC).
• 4 televisions: MUST have working remote controls and TiVo.
• DVD player and assorted DVDs: NO movies with Steven Segal or Bette Midler, please.
• 1 large Box of Money: MUST be American, unmarked bills in denominations no less than $50.00.

Required Beverages:

• Bottled water- NO DASANI. The presence of Dasani water will cause the Artist to fly into a fit of rage, resulting in the injury/dismemberment/firing of venue employees.
• Gatorade- acceptable flavors are "X-Factor": Strawberry & Fruit punch, Strawberry, Pink Lemonade, Tropical Punch, & Glacier Freeze. The Artist will not tolerate any flavors/colors that are ORANGE OR GREEN.
• 1 case Clearly Canadian: various flavors. NO peach.
• 1 case assorted pop: NO DIET, NO PEPSI PRODUCTS. Must include Cherry Coke, Vernors, Dr. Pepper and A&W Rootbeer- NO Barq's.
• 12 pack of various Sam Adams Beer: Must include Cherry Wheat and Summer Ale, even in the winter.
• Various assortment of Absolut Vodkas: MUST include vanilla and citron. Mini-bar/airplane bottles are appreciated since they are easily portable and also cute.
• Orange Juice (NO PULP), Apple Juice, Grape Juice.
• All beverages must be chilled but served with no ice in the drink itself. No variation.

Required Food Items:

• Pop Tarts: Assorted varieties, MUST INCLUDE cherry (NO unfrosted, S'Mores or chocolate)
• Large Box Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers.
• 2 large Bags Sun Chips- 1 original and 1 cheddar flavor.
• 1 bag Tostitos Gold, served alongside medium salsa and homemade guacamole.
• One large carton freshly popped Movie popcorn, light butter.
• 1 Pint Ben and Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Chunk. NO other flavors will be tolerated.
• Fruit & Veggie Platter: Be creative! NO cantalope or honeydew. NO radishes or olives.
• 1 large bag of Skittles: ONLY red, orange & yellow. Purple and green must be removed prior to Artist's arrival at the venue.
• Assorted Gummi candies: NO gummis that look unappetizing such as rats or snakes.
• 1 Pizza: Must be hot (use Heat Wave bag if necessary): NO ham, mushrooms or sausage.
• The Artist will tolerate creativity when it comes to lunch and dinner options. Local and/or Ethnic cuisines are appreciated, however, must include "BIG" salad (NO RANCH DRESSING), pasta, and chicken options. All condiments/sauces must be served ON THE SIDE.

-ry