Note:

To the pseudo-hippie/fiona apple wannabe masquerading as my office assistant:

No, it's not OK for you to interrupt me every five minutes even if you put on a fake smile and act like you're just being friendly. I don't have time for your mindless questions like, "Your note says to mail this letter, do I need to put a stamp on it too?" or "How do I seal this Fed-Ex envelope?" or "Does it matter if I put the fax face up or face down?" or "How was your weekend?"...

It doesn't matter if you print our copy of letters on green or blue paper, if you file the bills in the front or the back of the file or if you put the husband or wife's name first into our client database. I don't care what time of day you switch from saying "Good Morning" to "Good Afternoon". Just answer the damn phone, give me my freakin messages, and stay the hell out of my office. Some people have work to do.

-ry

PS. No, I do not want any of your rice crackers, soy nuts or non-dairy "cheese." I eat people food like the rest of us.