Take 2- Emmy Photos

Ali & Adrian: "No... No... Too Sexy. Too Sexy..."(Jess)











Amanda From Ugly Betty: Yes, that's right, I am fabulous. Who's this guy with me? Who cares, darling. I'm so fabulous that you're not even looking at him." (Ry)










Eva: "That bitch Teri is standing over there. Man, I hate her. Doesn't she realize I'm 15 years younger and way hotter than her? I have a rich NBA husband, damn it...AND Ken Paves likes me more than Jessica Simpson. Yep, I said it. It's true." (Jess)









Minnie: "I know what you're thinking. Wearing a dress this low cut at my age IS a bit cheeky, eh, love?" (Jess)










Charlie: I knew I shouldn't have played Hair Salon with Lola and Sam this morning! I cannot get my bangs back to normal! Crap! (Ry)










Kate: "EVERYBODY LOOK HOW MARRIED I AM?! And you thought I'd end up an old maid..." (Jess)


Kate: Suck it Pompeo! (Ry)

Emmy Recap- Photo Style

Back by popular demand... It's award season again which means another round of "caption that celebrity photo" by Jess and Ry.




Ali: Hey, Hayden- get over here! You win the bet! Apparently the hairstyle wasn't a joke. (Ry)









"I'm the Piv...I can do ridiculous things like kneel and balance my Emmy on my knee and you're going to love it. You bastards love everything I do..." (Jess)

My first thought was "Who's this guy kidding?" But then, I realized-- He's The Piv. He can do whatever he wants. Well played, Jeremy. Carry on. (Ry)

I love how being The Piv is a license to be a douche. (Jess)






Moments after this photo was taken, the photographer was found dead. His head was sliced open and his brain was missing. Go figure. (Ry)










John: Yes, yes, I'm a handsome movie star...but does anyone know the Red Sox score? (Jess)









Jane: "What? Oh, hello, there, darling photogs. You've just caught me mid laugh. Aren't I so kicky and fun? Don't I look like I'm having the time of my life? It's the most natural thing in the world, not a pose I've been practicing in the mirror since my Second City days." (Jess)










Milo (in his head): The meaner you look, the hotter you look... the meaner you look, the hotter you look...
Ry: In this case, you are correct, Milo.







"Should we tell Teri that we didn't turn that microphone on?" (Jess)

Teri: "So, like I was saying... I'm looking for someone who likes long walks on the beach, loves kids..." (Ryan)




Sandra: "OMG, I'm standing next to Dame Helen Mirren. I love you!"
Helen: "And who are you, darling?"
Sandra: "I'm on Grey's Anatomy, I'm Sandra Oh"
Helen: "Oh, Grey's Anatomy, right, that's that program on the tele with that slaggy bag of bones who never eats who's always moping around over that wanker doctor." (Jess)






Uncle June: "There she is, the apple of my eye. The Bella Meadow"

Jamie-Lynn: "Do you think he knows I'm not ACTUALLY his niece?" (Jess)









Johnny Sac: Who the fuck is trying to take our picture? He's fucking dead.
Paulie: Eh... Fuggeddabout it... Hey! There's Artie with the antipasti.
Bobby: Is Tony smiling? I hope Tony's smiling. Please say Tony's smiling.
Tony: Can I go talk to Dr. Melfi now?

Don't Be that Guy... Please!

Okay, with the annual fantasy draft fast approaching (current Countdown Clock: 96 hours, 54 minutes, 32 seconds), here are some of my picks for "That Guy" not to be on Draft Day.

1. The "I'll take (insert name of player who has already been drafted)" guy. I know him. You know him. We all know him. Maybe this dude is just too deeply engrossed in either his own draft rankings or Jess's delicious homemade baked goods, but he definitely hasn't been listening to who has been drafted. Or, maybe he's so over excited about a particular player (Sv and LT sitting in a tree...) that he can't bear the thought that his beloved running back might have been already drafted by someone else. In any event, we make the draft board for a reason. Please check it out before you announce your pick, and it's not in plain view, it is OK to ask the group "Has so-and-so been drafted yet?" We might make fun of you for not paying attention, but it will be significantly less ribbing than if you draft someone who's already taken.
* Special exception for people who are particpating remotely when someone (yours truly) forgets to type who was just drafted into the AOL buddy chat. You try keeping track of your own picks, womaning the draft board and running the buddy chat. It is not an easy task.

2. The "I announce my pick when it isn't even my turn" guy. Yep, again, we all know this dude. Pretty much the same reasoning as above, but this move is particularly egregious towards the end of the draft. We've been going in the same order all day-- by the 8th round, you probably should at least remember who drafts before you. I'm just saying.

3. The "I'm going to take all of the time I have on the clock and then announce the most obvious pick available" Guy. Don't waste our time. If you have the first pick in the draft, we all know who you're going to pick. Just do it and move on. Trust me, you really don't need to take your entire 120 seconds. Announce it early and use your down time to eat some of Crunchy's chex mix or grab a drink. We'll all appreciate it.

4. The "I don't know what to do here" Guy. [Savvy readers will recognize that quote from the old lady in the casino in Swingers. One of my favorite lines in the movie, but I digress]. This dude is exactly like that Granny at the Blackjack table. Usually it's late in the draft, when most (if not all) of the "good" guys have been taken. Maybe our pal hasn't done much research on sleepers, or maybe there's a "he could be great or he could be the worst player in the history of football" player up next on his rankings. In any event, looking to the rest of us for assistance probably isn't the right move. We're secretly hoping that you draft the questionable player and that he blows out his knee in the first game of the season. Just go with your gut, and when in doubt, double down on 11. Always double down on 11.

5. The "I drafted a Lion and am now trying to justify it to the rest of the league owners" guy. When you draft a Lion, don't try to tell us all how good he is going to be a) in his rookie season or b) after he rehabs his injury. Sadly, we all know these are pretty much the only possibilities when a Lion is involved. We all know this is just a sad attempt to justify the pick (and even being a Lions fan) to yourself. Even though most of us are in that pathetic group, there really is no justification. If you draft a Lion, just shake your head and move on. That's what the rest of us are going to be doing anyway.

6. The "You picked that guy?? You're an idiot" Guy. I put this guy on this list to illustrate a point for both my male and female readers. I'll set the stage: last year when a certain twin sister of mine (who shall remain nameless) drafted Peyton Manning in the first round of the draft. Personally, I thought it was a solid pick. All of the best RBs had been taken and she was drafting relatively late into the first round. Plus, Peyton had been her guy last year, so I couldn't fault her. Upon her announcing the pick, one of the guys in the room immediately started laughing and Jess got a little upset. Upon further reflection, we realized that this is one of the complications that comes into play when you have a guy/gal league. Even though we gals do our research and come to play, every once in a while, we can feel insecure about our place in the fantasy sports world. Guys are used to giving one another a hard time, so they don't mean anything by a little teasing or sarcasm. Let's all just agree not to take anything said at the draft personally and to keep things good-natured and we should be OK. Can't we all just get along?

7. The "Damn! You just picked the guy I was going to draft" Guy. With the exception of the later rounds, it is probably safe to say that most of us have similar draft orders. Sure, there's always one owner who ranks certain players or certain teams higher than others (Crunchy drafting Vikings? Well, I never...), but for the most part, we're all on the same page. We know this dude. Following the previous pick, he takes a few seconds to complain that the player who was just drafted was his next pick, and then furiously flips through pages of research and the Sporting News in an attempt to come up with a suitable alternative pick. We've all been there, but taking out your frustration on the previous owner is only going to make that person feel better about their pick (and enjoy the added bonus of screwing you over).

Ok, Game On. In case you were wondering, this is More Cowbell's year. Series start game 7.

Ry

PS. Do you think it's wrong for me to spend some significant work time doing research for my team this week? Cool. Neither did I. :)

Thoughts on the Concert for Diana

So, due to my recent bout with food poisioning (or maybe it was the flu or the fact that I ate too much junk food on my weekly "junk food day"), I spent all of yesterday on the couch watching The Concert for Diana on Vh1. Here are some of my thoughts-

- Even though he's way too young for me, I find Prince Harry to be impossibly cute. Even though the likelihood that you'd become the Queen is near impossible with Harry, I'd take him over Wills anyday.

- I wonder if Fergie (ie. the Dutchess of Black Eyed Peas, Stacy Ferguson) and Fergie (ie. The fabulous Dutchess of York, Sarah Ferguson) had a Fergie-off backstage. My money's on the Brit, hands down.

- Good to see Jack Bauer in the house as a presenter. Although, as Chad would say "He's a loose cannon. You never know what he'll do." True. Too bad he couldn't have taken Rod Stewart out with one of his trademark punches instead of introducing him. (Full Disclosure: I actually like the Rod Stewart song "Maggie Mae". Otherwise, I think Rod is an old dude in much too tight pants. Moving on...)

- Josh Groban has a lovely voice and he totally outperformed Sarah Brightman on their Phantom of the Opera duet. Also, did anyone else who knows musical theater realize that Sarah Brightman is 47?? Girl must have a great plastic surgeon and/or Botox supplier.

- I really liked Diddy's performance. I do have a soft spot for that song, but I thought he did a good job of staying true to his style while also being appropriate for the event. I also liked him bossing the crowd around like, "Make some noise for Princess Diana!" How could you refuse? (Also, props to Jessica for noticing that his backup violinist girls were wearing Christian Loubouitan shoes... would you expect anything less from Diddy?)

- Three words: David Beckham- HOT.

- LOVED Ricky Gervais's performance of "Freelove Freeway" complete with back-up vocals from Gareth Keenan.

Ry

- Songs of the Day: (as requested by Beth): "My Song"- Brandy Carlile and (my personal girl anger rock favorite) "Just a Girl"- No Doubt.

Random... Completely Random.

Okay, while my co-workers might not be as wierd/dumb/random as Sv's, I have to share with you a couple of my recent interactions with her and I'll let you decide. Honestly, she's so random that it's to the point where I don't even respond to her right away, I just sort of look at her dumbfounded until she clarifies her earlier comment, or at least gives me some more information. It's getting to the point where I can't take it anymore!

-- Out of nowhere, while I'm at the copy machine, she goes, "Colin (her son) ate breakfast with a bumble bee this morning." WTF? No, seriously. WTF? Is that a thing that I should know, like "Colin watched 'Seasame Street' this morning? After my look, she finally started explaining that her husband caught a bumble bee in the house, put it in a jar and then put the jar on the table next to the kid while he ate breakfast. In a zillion years, would you have made that connection?

-- She walks in my office, holding a piece of paper (which I cannot see the front of and has nothing on the back) and says, "So, what am I supposed to do with this?" Please note that she does not hand me said piece of paper, or even make a move like she is going to do so. Um, what the F do I know? If you want me to give you instructions, you're going to have to give me more than a blank piece of paper to work with. I do not have x-ray vision. Duh.

-- As I'm faxing, (and trying to mind my own damn business) she was like, "What are you supposed to cook meat to?" (That's not even a sentence!!) I just sort of looked at her and, she says, "You know, what temperature?" So, I started explaining to her that it depends on how she wants it done, and it's a range between 145 and 160 (medium rare to medium). She's like, "Well, I made steak for dinner last night and I just cooked it to 190 to make sure it was done." I go, "I bet it looked and tasted like a hockey puck." She goes, "Yeah, I wasn't sure what to do, so I just cooked it for 45 minutes on our George Foreman grill." Um, yeah, steak on a Foreman grill cooks in even less time than on an actual grill, since it's cooking on the top and bottom. A quick check of my handy-dandy Betty Crocker cookbook tells us that it's 7 minutes on a Foreman. 7 minutes, not 45, Freakshow. I tried to explain this to her, but I'm pretty sure it fell on deaf ears.

-- Yesterday, she started in about her son's daycare (the story is best saved for a day where I have the energy to tell it, but in a nutshell- she is pulling her kid out of daycare and made a formal complaint to the State because they served sugar cereal as a snack... Yep, you read that correctly), and I must have made some face that showed my disdain (one of my more endearing/damning traits is that I have trouble masking emotions with polite facial expressions... I just can't do it). When she called me on it, I made up something about being crabby because I hadn't had any coffee, but I have seriously had it.

The only good thing in the scenario is that she's like 7 1/2 months preggo, so hopefully, she'll have that kid early and I won't have to deal with her for a while. Keep your fingers crossed for me, OK?

-ry

Song of the day (not dedicated to the aforementioned co-worker): Don't Go Away- Oasis.

You have Got to be Kidding...

So, today, my boss volunteered me to attend a luncheon that the CPA firm down the hall was putting on. At this point, you're thinking to yourself "Self, lunch with a bunch of accountants sounds pretty boring, but at least she's getting a free lunch out of the deal." As Lee Corso would say, "Not so fast, my friends." Not only was this a lunch with a bunch of accountants, it was a presentation by 2 insurance agents. I'll pause while the absolute "tear your hair out boring-ness" sinks in...

Anyhoo, I was definitely not part of their target audience because they were talking about home owners insurance for houses where the value started at $1M and insurance for jewelry valued at more than $10,000. I wonder what their faces would have looked like if I'd asked about renters insurance, or car insurance for a 1997 Chevy Cavalier, or told them that my most expensive piece of jewelry is a ring that I actually found while on vacation in South Carolina.

Making matters worse, clearly, they did not receive a copy of my personal rider (required for all personal appearances, including luncheons with neighboring CPA firms) in advance. The following was on the menu for lunch- Chicken salad and/or egg salad sandwiches, Potato Salad, and the piece de resistance... yep, you guessed it, Dasani water. It was warm, served with a glass filled to the brim with ice. The only other beverage choices were caffeine free Diet Coke (what's the point of Coke without the sugar and caffiene) and Diet Lemonade. Those of you who know me, know I'm not kidding around about the Dasani water thing. It's absolute crap. I'd prefer tap water. For serious. (An aside, for some reason that reminded me of the the time when my Grandma told my Grandpa that the coffee he made "tasted like piss." His response, "How would you know?" :) But, I digress...)

To sum up: Accountants + Insurance + Boring small talk with rich people old enough to be my parents + unacceptable food/beverage choices = Pissy Ryan sitting at her desk eating her re-heated left overs wishing she had taken the day off.

More soon--
Ry

Song of the Day (because I feel like raging a little bit): "Smells Like Teen Spirit"- Nirvana

ALL TIMES ARE LOCAL

The following is a conversation I had with my mother while she was vacationing in Italy a few days ago. For the record, I would first like to state that my mother is an extremely intelligent, educated woman. She has both a BA and a JD. I am relatively certain that she has a pretty high IQ. On to the conversation:

- Mom (From Italy)- Buongiorno!

- Ry: Hi Mom!

- Mom: I don't have long because I'm not sure how this calling card thing works, but I had to call you because we've been reading our itinerary wrong. We think our flight arrives at 8:30PM Italy time, not Michigan time and now we don't know who is going to pick us up.

- Ry (in head, to self) There are no such things as "Italy time" and "Michigan time." Should I correct her? Not worth it..." (Out loud, trying to be patient) "Why do you think that?

- Mom: All the other times on the schedule have been in Italy time.

- Ry: That's how it works when you're in Italy. Generally, on itineraries, the times are in local time, depending on where you are. Is the time that it showed you leaving Metro correct?

- Mom: Yes.

- Ry: Then I'm sure you're reading it wrong and the arrival time is in Eastern time which is our time zone.

- Mom: (unconvinced) I don't know, Ryan... I think it's in Italy time.

- Ry: (pulls out copy of itinerary and does some quick math): You leave at 10:30 AM in Italy and then arrive in Atlanta at 3:30. That's only a 5 hour flight. There's no way that's correct.

- Mom: The flight here was almost 10 hours, but maybe it's shorter coming back? It must just be shorter. (To my aunt in the background) Margaret, do you think it's shorter coming back? (unintelligible response). We think it's shorter coming back.

- Ry (starting to get aggravated): Actually, it's longer because of the jet stream.

- Mom: The what now?

- Ry: When you fly east to west it takes longer because of the jet stream. You don't know what I'm talking about? (Stunned silence on the other end) Okay, well, nevermind why, but trust me, it's longer.

- Mom: I don't know, Ryan. I just don't want to be sitting at the airport for 6 hours with your grandma.

- Ry: You're not going to be sitting at the airport with grandma. You'll be on the plane with her. Trust me.

(Long pause by both people)

- Mom: So, if we get in early can you pick us up?
- Ry (defeated): Yeah. Whatever.
- Mom: Buonasera.
-Ry: Whatever.

-ry

- Song of the Day (because I wish I could): "Enjoy the Silence" - Depeche Mode.

As Requested...

Some random thoughts of the day:

-- I felt hated by the lunch gods today when, after heating up my soup, I realized that we were out of spoons. Out of spoons! Nevermind the fact that we had 6 unopened boxes of forks. I felt like the forks were mocking me, and momentarily considered trying to eat the soup with a fork. No go. I had to run across the street to get one which of course required re-heating the soup. Seems like a lot of work for some mediocre minestrone, eh?

-- ESPN radio better fix their player ASAP. I get crabby if I don't hear DP and Keith...

-- We watched the Will Farrell movie "Kicking and Screaming" on free-HBO this weekend. It was pretty dumb, save the hilarious quote from Mike Ditka: "Coffee is the best drink in the world. Even little kids in Mexico drink it!"

-- I have a new client from New Zealand. Would it be out of line (and ultra nerdy) to try to get him to say "Weta Workshop"? Okay, okay. Yes. That is a reference to the special features on the "Lord of the Rings" DVD. Yes. I watched them. Yes. I remembered it. Moving on.

-- Per T-Diddy's request on Saturday, some comments on the Oscars

- Favorite Moments: Helen Mirren's win (If you haven't seen "The Queen" it's worth the rental. She is absolutely transformative as QE), Alan Arkin beating Eddie Murphy (LOVED Little Miss Sunshine and him in particular), When the girl who played Little Miss Sunshine presented an award with Jaden Smith and he screwed up his line (She almost rolled her eyes at him, but was able to pull it together and be professional), the song and dance number by Will Farrell and Jack Black (Those guys are hilarious), and Beyonce resigning herself to playing 2nd fiddle to Jennifer Hudson in their performance. Great stuff.

- Fashion Hits: Reese (as per usu, although she is getting a little too skinny in her Post-Phillippe Phase), Helen Mirren (Memo to Helen: Please be more fabulous... oh wait, not possible), Diane Keaton (Never thought I'dput her on this list, but she looked great. Also for the record, no woman in her 60's has any business having skin that great), Gwyenth (Not for everyone, but I liked it. Very fashion forward).

- Fashion Misses: Kirsten Dunst (how many "Worst Dressed" lists does this girl need to be on before she gets a clue? And SHE went out with Jake Gyllenhaal? What kind of world is this?), Jessica Biel (If it had been 1987, she would have looked totally radical. In 2007, she looks outdated and ridiculous. Also, it's called a bra. Look into it.), Jennifer Hudson (Oh, Jennifer Hudson... Pockets in your gown? A bolero jacket? In silver? In a sequin? Oh, no, no no...)

-- ry

Song of the Day: Good- Better than Ezra.

PS. For those of you who were wondering, yes, there was much rejoycing about this.